Tears, Smiles, Laugh, and love=What life is made up of

 *Bangs head againt wall* I cant belevie it, im such an idot, realy....I did it AGAIN iv been fairly good since I mde that dr comment to shir, rel;al;y was going kinda good then today I had to opejn my big fat mouth. Britney got online today, from her grandmothers, well i got her shir and I into a  3 way chat, i wnated them to meet to see if they got alone i was kinda excited about it, but relaly I sould have known. They didnt seem to be tlaking much and it was so awkward. so I suddnely asked her if wew ere doing preistly's pacemaker surgery today. At teht eim I relaly didnt think it big deal but soon enough after that, shir blwos up and i elasied my misake. anyhting medical involving prestilys si extremly extremly sensitive fpr her and I knwo it. Its wasnt like I did it to hurt her oni purpsoe, i jsut want using my head reallyt. she was hurt and went off about how i coudl possibly hurt her thatw ay to blurt ehr business to a compltet strnager. shes right of course I can see trhat now and I fele horrible. we agued for hours then we barely talked. This is as big as that dr comment I made a while back anmd this time dont knwo hjow to fix it. To top it off i  begged her to try and play so i oculd help her have some fun with prestiyls but i ended up fucking that up too. I just dont know teh harder tI try to help her plots and make sure she has good time teh worse it tuns out. I hate myself ir eally do, i can see why shes os mad i relaly can is eme to keep maing her feel bad about things that really sensitive toi her, its not onpurposer relly isnt. I respect her feelgins and whats her loves and never tell anyonme i just made a mistake.


She's my best friend in the entire world, whic at thsi point ill be suprised if she evne wnats to be aquittances wiht me anymore and was sucha  good feleign bexcaue i knew i was just as importna to her,...I jsut I love her so much fruned wise and today while I knew she was sitting there crying and feleing emrbassed and msierabkle, I couldn take it I satrted crying too. worst aport was there was noting i could do to make her feel better, noting at all and tomorrow well....I jsut dont know I have to change I have to play p[retily right get my ct togather before I lsoe one of teh best things thats ever happenede to me.

Well on the harsh relaity front, were not getting our water turned off after all. Mom sold some pills thankfully and well..i suppose thats good. Still no hot water but hey gotta count blessings right? we got some groveries to do until we get some more first of teh month so all is good.

oh! and on the friend home front, well...........I messe dup again i the role play last night which in tunrd hurt shir i rela lfie but today seemd ok, until we started argeuign AGAIN. I was i the wrong thogh, not her, gotta remember her and davi's feleings come before my own. We played diablo for awhile and tings seemd ok we all got along and then...well im just not sure. Ok satrting to feel icky and dizzy again, gotta learn to not stress as much seriously affecting my health. Im gonan watch some tv for awhile I think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Im going to lsoe it I swear. Once again teh freakin night goes to shit. I fi wasnt such a chicken id cut my wrist and im againt self mutalation i relaly am, but there sno one in the world I hate more than me right now. I hurt my supposidly best friend.....AGAIN. My ahnd are shaking so bad i cant type so please excuse any misspells and....I dont cry on normal basis i see it as sign if weakness but...i can barely see my screen. So mcuh goign own I cant take it. WHY?? why is it so ahrd for me to be a good person and do teh right ting? why is making someoner happy so hard?.........I dont care if im teh most miserable person on earht as long as people aornd me are happy and hast the truth..btu instead i hurt them. Igs like......that girl Rogue in X-men. she cnt help it jsut hurts thoise shes close too...mybe thast why i chose this username i dunno....God I cnt take this....I need to go for a walk. ill fionish this later....

I'll keep this short, my mom is  afreakin idiot. I mean that in every sense of teh word. Her bf that shes been off and on again with...well he was suppsoed to pay our water bill. I was informed a few minutes ago that she lied to me. The first of the month she swore to me up and down that she payed all the bills. HA! apaprently everyone but eh gas and watre bill. Wev been withouht hot water for aboutr a aeek no which sint so bad relaly, I could live without that. Buit this mornig she informs me shes been stressed becusae Casey said he was ogign to pay our water bill ( and there not even going out!) she was stupid enogh to put her trust in him and now our water is getting shut off tomorrow if teh idiot son of a bitch doesnt pay it. Im so damm mad right now, I could seriously....I relaly jsut dont even know. Once again he messed up our lives so bad, if my mother had any common sense she wojld of dumped his lazy, no good butt a long time agao. Sure he payed teh waterlast time but now hes buitter towards my mom and he couldnt care less, she should of payed it out of the check lie normal, but noooo had to depend on a man and that one no less. I hope shes happy i relaly do, oh well though.......people ahve tio worse in teh world jsut gotta  get some jugs of water save dup I guess.

Ok so this is my first entry on here and im afraid im gonan have to beret myself alot tonight *sighs* You know how sometimes you meet that one special person  in your life? and im not talking about a special guy in my life, im talking about friendship. We all have friends that come and go in oour life. Sometimes though your lucky enough to find that one special one, who puts all the others youv had to shame. I have such a friend (least I hope I do) we met over a year agao and we quickly became Best friends. She really is my best friend in teh entire world, cheesey as it sounds shes made me want to be better person and bettter friend. Before I met her, I never took friendship that seriously was never a good friend....well...ok heres teh long story short. about nearly two weeks agao we had our first major fight in the year plus that we met. You see ym friend doesnt have alot oif confidence about ehr lok or her abilities, which is a shane becuase shes very beuaitful and is super smart and extremly talented, she only has...(well had really) confidence in oen ting and that was medecine, shes not a dr but tis always been her dream to be a dr, seh had alto fo med books she studied as much as any dedicated med student, if not more. Well....damm i feel ashamed even writing this. We got into an argument and i was getting more and more frustrated, when  really i guess i had no right she was only being that way becuiase she cared and was worried but I told her to ease up and she wouldnt bascially she was telling me it was nuts to taek advive from a  pharmacist becuse there not really dr's. I know this of course but well....anwyay finally i jsut couldnt tkae it and contrary to what she thinks i dindt say it to hurt her, I called her a hypocrit and bascially said she wasnt a dr either.

So there you go...just like that of all things I could have said I had to hit her where it hurts, crushed her dreams and one ting she has ever loved. Its been rocky since then. she was so upset, and sitll is, becuae of me she cires for days and ahs been utterly miserable and ill tell you someting...I hate myself. The last thing I ever wnated to do was hurt her, after almost a week fo us being cold towards onie another me wiaitng to see if were still fruends or not, she finalyl agreed to still be friends on trial basis, in other workds im on probabtion, im luvky she granted me even that :(........theres been ither things sicne then we got into another big fight 1 or tewo days after whichj i wont get into, basically be being an insensitive jerk and not repsecting her feelings or timw (shes 8 hours ahad of me)......we always hurt teh ones we lvoe...man that saying is so true isnt it? I dont evne knwo why or how...just happens. My intentions are good, im always thining of her first my other fruends too, thinking of ways to make her happy and not think of myself for once..jsut tunrs out bad. I ant things normla again, there slwoly getting there and some days it feels like it, then tohers jsut..i dunno. I want her happy aagain, she goes thorhgb so much shes relaly an amazing person andf she deserves alot she relaly does, just wish i could give it to her, be that oine special person in her life that can brighten her day. I used to be..before all this mess....